I am stirring my coffee this morning, trying to remember my affirmations I say daily to ward off evil spirits or just an unpleasant mood. Today, though, I am trying to focus on mindfulness as I recover from self-imposed compassion fatigue, or as the seasoned veterans call it, burnout.
There were warning signs, I even had a friend text me a month ago, literally saying, “you are headed for burn-out.” Looking back to a month ago, I was already in a state of anxiety, not sleeping much, easily distracted, and irritable. All of those were warning signs I ignored. I brushed it off as hormones, a new career, finding my footing, and having a lot on my plate. That was my brain on high alert, and I was already in fight-or-flight mode.
Five highly complex patients later, I am crying over making decisions, tears streaming down my face when my husband brings me home my favorite Thai dish (because he remembered). Working memory starts to decline rapidly, and then the ability to spell basic words, like “referral,” starts to develop. Brain fog and forgetfulness set in, and then complete body fatigue when the hyper-arousal fight-or-flight turns off (the cortisol levels drop fast) and turn into shutdown. I head to bed for 48 hours.
Looking back, I know I am slightly at a higher risk after losing my daughter 7 years ago. Once you have PTSD, your brain will sense threats, such as compassion fatigue with a heavy schedule, and go into fight or flight mode. I realize now I have been here before. I usually just reset before it ever gets to shut down; I have only been in shut down mode once before, as I mentioned, and it was after the worst day of my life.
I am writing in my blog about it because it is just another thing we don’t talk about. It feels like weakness. It feels like failure. Why are we only valued (or feel valued) by what we produce, not how we produce it? What if sharing my experience can help someone else recognize when they need to reset? Taking 5 min before each sale, each client, each patient, each email, and taking space for ourselves.
It is because the world reminds us that time is money and that there are other things we need to be doing; it is a waste of time. What this really means is that we do not deserve to take time for ourselves. Setting boundaries does not get you ahead of someone else. In this world, it is all about trying to get ahead of the person next to you for the raise, for the incentive, and for the ability to pay off your student loans that you thought working for the community hospital for 18 years would give you.
I was extremely embarrassed to have to take off time to reset. I hit such a wall, but I can’t even imagine what would have happened had I not stopped and given myself the grace and space. It is not in my nature to stop, but I am forcing myself to hold better boundaries as I slowly come up for air. Letting go of the idea that I could earn a 10K incentive bonus if I just worked harder, faster, and longer. Even this post seems a risk; I am still a bit foggy, but at least I now can type. I have reached out to all the support people; I made myself get the help I would have a patient get. I remind myself, this will help me become a better provider. Being on the other side of the curtain can only provide empathy and perspective.
Sitting here breathing in through my nose and longer out through my mouth five times maybe once an hour. Naming 5 things I can see, three things I can feel, and one thing I can smell. Pushing on my legs to “FEEL” where I am at. Grounding my feet on the ground. Small simple tasks like loading the dishwasher and emptying the cat box. Writing things down and starting back with better boundaries. I still easily head into fight or flight, so I limit activities; I “body scan” often. Is my heart racing? Am I easily startled? I remind myself, it is not weakness; it is self-awareness. I ask myself, would you tell a client they were weak? Would you tell them to ignore the warning signs and work harder, faster, longer? Would you judge them as being soft? Have I? No, I would commend them for recognizing the warning signs and for doing what they needed to (behavior changes), which most people struggle to change. In that lies true strength. That is what should be celebrated. Being brave enough to say it, being aware enough to change it.
Raven and Roses 