Benchwork

When someone does the benchwork, they do the heavy lifting, the hard work behind a project, the prerequisites for a career, it can mean repairing and instrument and for me that instrument is me. 
This image is from today’s New Year’s Day walk with my husband. When I was younger, I would think about the year ahead, as I guess I still do, but make resolutions full of hopes and dreams. 

This image is taken from my daughter’s memorial bench, and today I thought about my year ahead. If all goes well, this time next year I will be sitting for my Psychiatrist Nurse Practitioner exam. I thought about her bench and the fact I am doing the benchwork this year. It’s the tough part, it’s the forging of something new from something old. It will not be easy to learn in a year what a Psychiatrist resident will learn in 4.  I thought for the first time today, “what if I fail someone?” I know that is only fear of failure rearing its ugly head. 

My husband asked if I would be gaining a significant increase in pay. I am not sure. My friends ask where I want to work. I am not sure. What they don’t understand is the benchwork, the hard work that keeps me able to float. It’s what is keeping me sane. I look at her bench and think what I wouldn’t give for her to see this year. Six years she’s been gone. It is the impossible tasks that keep me smiling, working, living and moving forward. I know my husband wants to believe it will all be worth it when I am done. The schooling, the cost, the long hours, but the secret is that it already has been because I am here and I am moving forward. 

I have an online friend. He is struggling and what I hope for him is that he finds support. I hope he finds his benchwork, his ability to hold on through the dark days and push forward. That he can roll up his sleeves, let the sweat burn his eyes and realize tomorrow needs him.